Letters From a Grieving Mom: Am I Grieving Wrong?
It’s been a little over 5 years since Alex left us, it seems as though most of us that love him have somehow learned to live without him. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one left behind in this grieving journey. If somehow, I did my grieving wrong and that’s why I still feel so sad.
An interesting fact about sadness, that I didn’t know before, is that you can be sad without anybody noticing it. That you can be so sad and still carry on with your day, smile and even laugh without anyone knowing about your sadness.
According to most grieving books and society’s expectations I should be fine by now. I shouldn’t be looking for comfort or answers, I should not be angry or feel guilty, I have passed the time allotted for those emotions. By year six, I am expected to just be fine. I am expected to just talk about him on his birthday or during special holidays.
The truth is that after all this time, I have not really tried to face grief. I have been postponing my feelings, hoping that it will magically dissipate, and I would not have to feel all the emotions. I have ignored, made myself so busy that only glimpses of grief come through every day. I thought I have mastered the art of repressing feelings and that for the rest of my life, I could get by without ever facing the reality of my son’s death.
When I think of how my son died, his last words, his last moments on this Earth, my body hurts. This is not an exaggeration or a dramatic description of my feelings, I promise you, I feel pain. The kind of pain that people would want pain killers to suppress. This is part of the reason why I have postponed going through the process and feeling all the emotions, because the physical pain combined with the emotional pain feels unbearable.
This year, I have made the decision to start the grieving work. I am not sure what the work entails but part of me already knows it's going to require a lot of suffering, a lot of pain. I have done research about grieving, read and heard a lot of stories but nothing ever resonates completely to how I feel. The one thing most grieving experts recommend is to keep a journal of your feelings.
This blog will be dedicated to my personal journey as a grieving mother who thought she could cheat out of grief.